July 31st, 2026

“Do not hold your breath for anyone,
Do not wish your lungs to be still,
It may delay the cracks from spreading,
But eventually they will.
Sometimes to keep yourself together
You must allow yourself to leave,
Even if breaking your own heart
Is what it takes to let you breathe.”

– Erin Hanson

Trigger Warning: There are mentions of domestic violence that have personally occurred to me. It is not graphic, but it can be upsetting to read. If you or someone you know is in a troubling situation, please consider reaching out to safe resources such as: +1 (800)-799-7233 or go to: https://thehotline.org <- .

Sometimes, I wonder how it is that I got to the place where I currently am. One could think that I’m talking about the stress and the wins and successes I’ve had streaming. That’s simply just the tip of the iceberg. It’s a long list of things that have hand-held me and led me to where I currently am in the world. There is also a long list of things that have deterred me, but have also contributed to my growth (in a sort of sick & twisted way, eh?).

For example, let’s talk about one of the positive things. My best friend and absolute Legend of a person, Tori, has been there for 13+ years in my life. They have seen me at my absolute worst, shithole personality. They have seen me glowing and ready to take on the world. They’ve seen me suffer at hands of corrupt men and people. They’ve saved me more times than I can count. I owe them everything. But, they are also my best friend and they know I would repay them with my life with the chance ever arose.

Tori pushes me to be the best version of myself each and every day! In turn, I do the same for them. We both realize that we both see things and have perspectives that can be hard for the other to hear. But, we do our best to let the other be aware in a gentle way.

We are each other’s support system anchors.

Let’s explain a negative support that has led me to be the best I can be.

Let’s bring up J again. (ew.)

J loved to tear me down any chance he could.

“No one will watch you if you stream, [redacted].”

“You’re boring.. and to be honest, no one wants to look at you.“

“What do you even have to offer?“

This man was supposed to be my partner. The main one to uplift me and support me reaching me for my dreams. Instead, I was met with constant tear downs and negative remarks. For years, I was at the lowest mental point in my life. But, the Stockholm Syndrome was too great. I had to stay. I loved him… right?

Fast forward to August 2024, 2 months before my disability reared its ugly head, and we see River, me, deciding on a whim: they were going to stream. I had already had a Twitch username, girlwholaughed. That was it. That was going to be my shtick. Laughter was going to be the medicine; my end all, cure all. It was going to lead people to better mental healthcare, better self-care and usage of coping skills, creating a community of supportive, uplifting people…. I wanted it to have everything.

And then I got sick…. End of September to the end of October 2024, I saw the inside of a hospital room and a rehabilitation stay before I was able to go home.

From the physical trauma endured for three years with J to the two concussions I got within two weeks of the other, my disability was kickstarted and it took my ability to walk.

I was lucky. For some people, it could take above their waist as well. I was lucky it was contained below the waist. And so I worked. I worked my ass off… I even got a gastric bypass in August 2025 to try and shed some of the 300 lbs I was carrying around on my poor knees.

Psst… I am now 188.9 lbs. That’s a 111.1 lb loss.

I am getting healthier. I have finally gotten a more accurate adult ADHD diagnosis. I am on the right medication that seems to be working. Unfortunately, it is slated that later in 2026, I will be having a spinal fusion on my L5-S1 vertebrae.

Once the doctor gets the slated time on recovery, I can formulate a stream recover schedule. I will not be streaming as frequently. Especially during recovery. I do not know what a spinal fusion recovery entails — but one can assumed that it would take a lot of bed rest and horizontal rest time.

This website is definitely an extension of myself, my stream, and my community. I cannot wait to build upon this website and to watch it grow into the haven I so desperately want it to be.

We can only do that together.

Thank you all for being apart of this Giggleverse, Gigglenauts.